Why us?

God, the title makes this sound like really bad news…..and I don’t mean it to be….but I can’t think of another phrase to summarise how I feel at the moment….

Let me just start by saying that we’re fine, both of us, no one is dying or anything like that. And I’ll also say at this point that I’m generally a positive person – most of the time. However, whenever I feel like writing it’s always at my blackest moment (everyone has these, right?) and I’ll probably look at this at some point in the future and get really angry with myself for being so pathetic!

However, today is a black day and I apologise for what I’m bout to write in advance….

Today my partner and I were put on a waiting list for ivf treatment. That’s it (told you no one died!)

Those few friends I’ve text with the news are all over the moon for me, so much so that I’ve had to go back and read the texts that I’ve sent them just in case I screwed up and
typed in ‘I’m pregnant!’ They don’t understand why I’m upset and equally I don’ get why they are so happy for me. Have I conceived? No! Am I likely to? Not if you look at
statistics! So what is there to be happy about?

Yes, I get it, I have been given a chance to have this advanced treatment, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful. But what I’m really upset about is why us? Why couldn’t we conceive naturally? Why something so simple that comes naturally to so many people is out of reach to us?

We would make amazing parents! I know it and so does everyone who knows us. And I’m not just saying that. We have a strong, happy and loving relationship and a lovely family home which is just crying out for a baby.

So at this point, when I have been told that I have an egg reserve of a 40 year old woman (I’m 35!) and my partner (let’s call him M) has a ‘variable’ sperm count, what exactly am I supposed to be happy about? Because, I’m sorry, but I keep thinking of those unwanted teenage pregnancies and all this lucky people who conceive naturally and I can’t help but think – why us?

Yes I know, I should think about the end result and stay positive and all that – please don’t tell me as I’ve heard it all before. And like. Said, I’m generally quite positive so I will snap out of this eventually but today I’m feeling sorry for myself, ok?

Especially after reading the NHS leaflet which tells me all about the treatment and the drugs that I have to inject and others that I have to take through the front or back door (seriously!!!) and all the increased risks etc – all I want to do is cry. Oh, and ask the question – why us?

Sorry, I’ll be in a better mood next time 🙂